That Crazy Christmas Energy

THE ENERGY LEADING UP TO CHRISTMAS, HANNUKAH, "THE HOLIDAYS" IS ALWAYS TURBULENT, and this year appears to be no exception. All around me I'm hearing couples having rocky times. People trying to break up, wanting to break up, hoping they don't get 'broken up,' etc. and some who have made the decision to leave and are thrashing around about how, when, and ... ug.

Whatever you say about it, I don't know anyone who goes into a relationship hoping it WILL break up, so there you have it.

There's something to be said for the art of knowing how to break up, because all but the last relationship you're in, there will be "breaking up." sigh. (You don't have to like it, you just have to do it.)

So, today we offer a guest article on THE ART OF ENDING THE RELATIONSHIP. It's a nice article, though breaking up is never easy. BTW, take our Breakin Up Survey and let us know how you feel, and what advice you have to give.

How to End a Relationship: Your Dating Exit StrategyCopyright © 2005 Alan Stafford, All Rights Reserved

Ending a relationship is rarely a mutual decision. In almost every case, one partner wants to end the relationship; the other partner does not. And sometimes, the doomed relationship continues longer than it should because the leaving partner does not know a graceful way to end the relationship.

What if you are the partner wanting to break up? You could stay in the relationship to avoid hurting the feelings of your partner. Or you could stay with him or her out of a pity. But this staying when you want to leave creates an unhealthy relationship. It is unfair to him, and it is really unfair to you. If the relationship is emotionally over, staying on means living a lie. Because the relationship is no longer healthy and honest, there are arguments and accusations, hurt feelings and threats. You've been there. You don't want to go through that ever again. But what can you do?

When It's Over, It's Over

Create a preplanned exit strategy once you've decided the relationship is kaput. With a strategy in hand and a script in your pocket, you will feel more confident in breaking up sooner instead of later. Making a quick, clean break is a kindness to the other person. He avoids false hope and can begin the grieving and healing process that is a natural part of a breakup. When it's over, it's over. Both your time and his/hers are better spent meeting other people instead of fumbling for a way out. Remember, you and your partner actually want the same thing: a relationship of mutual respect, admiration, and affection. If these characteristics are missing from either partner, the relationship will suffer and fail. The overall purpose for both of you is to find that special someone. Ending your relationship
now will free both of you to pursue the dream of finding that lifetime partner.

Besides, if you manage to break up earlier rather than later, you increase the possibility that you both may stay friends forever. Staying in a relationship too long leads to resentment, anger, and hurt. The longer you stay in a bad relationship, the more bitter the breakup and the more estranged the two of you are afterward.

Dating Exit Strategy: Practice It!

Remember, you will end all your future relationships except for the last one. Why not be prepared? The first time you realize that your requirements will not be met, try this: you can say, "I think you're a really great person, but I don't think we're a good match". If you rehearse this at home like a Hollywood actor would, you'll be more comfortable when you have to "say your lines" to the person you're dating. You never know, the date you
let down gently may become a future referral source.

If he likes you but agrees that the two of you aren't really couple material, he'll probably bird dog some prospects for you. Because the two of you did not go through an extended and bitter breakup, he could actually be your friend. And friends help friends get what the want including dates.

A final tip: don't change your mind. It'll be difficult, especially if your partner doesn't want to let you go. But remember, when your relationship is dead, nothing and nobody will revive it. Be gentle, but firm - you're on your way to finding someone much, much better that the person you're talking to. And so is he. Do both of you a favor, and do it now.
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Dr. Alan Stafford, Relationship Results Coach. I help Singles and Couples build relationships that work www.relationshipsuccessexperts.com

Click here to ask Alan a question about your biggest relationship issue
http://relationshipsuccessexperts.com/askalan.htm

Get our free newsletter for relationship tips and advice http://relationshipsuccessexperts.com/subscribe07.html © 2005 Alan Stafford/Relationship Success Experts
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