New Year's Eve

Best way for singles to get through New Year's Eve and holidays is with a good sense of humor.

Many people like to "cocoon" on NYE, so don't think anything of it if you want to put a fire in the fireplace, some warm slippers on your feet, and curl up with a good opera or a good book tomorrow night. . . and be sound asleep before midnight.

News from the mailbag is that many people are going to just ignore New Year's Eve.

Meanwhile, also from the mailbag, some NYE humor:

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ZEN AND THE WISDOM OF LIFE:

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

2. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

3. Sex is like air -- it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

4. No one is listening until you fart.

5. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

6. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away, and you have their shoes.

7. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

8. Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

9. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was worth it.

11. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

11. There are two theories about arguing with women. Neither one works.

12. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

13. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night .

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"New Year Resolutions 2006"

As we all prepare to start a new year, it is time again to make those ever so important New Year's Resolutions. I have faithfully made such resolutions in the past, and while I haven't been able to keep all of them, I have tried my best to
continue making progress on them year after year. Following is my revised list of . . . "New Year's Resolutions - 2006 Edition":

Resolution #1
2003: I will try to be a better husband to Marge.
2004: I will not leave Marge.
2005: I will try for reconciliation with Marge.
2006: I will try to be a better husband to Wanda.

Resolution #2
2003: I will stop looking at other women.
2004: I will not get involved with Wanda.
2005: I will not let Wanda pressure me into another marriage.
2006: I will stop looking at other women.

Resolution #3
2003: I will not let my boss push me around.
2004: I will not let my sadistic boss drive me to the point of suicide.
2005: I will stick up for my rights when my boss bullies me.
2006: I will tell Dr. Hodger and the group about my boss.

Resolution #4
2003: I will read at least 20 good books a year.
2004: I will read at least 10 books a year.
2005: I will read 5 books a year.
2006: I will finish Space.

Resolution #5
2003: I will not get upset when Charlie and Sam make jokes about my baldness.
2004: I will not get annoyed when Charlie and Sam kid me about my toupee.
2005: I will not lose my temper when they tell the guys I wear a girdle.
2006: I will not speak to Charlie and Sam.

Resolution #6
2003: I will get my weight down below 180.
2004: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.
2005: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200.
2006: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.

Resolution #7
2003: I will not take a drink before 5:00 p.m.
2004: I will not touch the bottle before noon.
2005: I will not become a "problem drinker".
2006: I will not miss any AA meetings.

Resolution #8
2003: I will not spend my money frivolously.
2004: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.
2005: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.
2006: I will begin making a strong effort to be out of debt by 2008.

Resolution #9
2003: I will see my dentist this year.
2004: I will have my cavities filled this year.
2005: I will have my root canal work done this year.
2006: I will get rid of my denture breath this year.

Resolution #10
2003: I will go to church every Sunday.
2004: I will go to church as often as possible.
2005: I will set aside time each day for prayer and meditation.
2006: I will try to catch the late night sermonette on TV.
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"Words With Two Meanings"

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female.....Any part under a car's hood.
Male........The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.....Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male........Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female.....The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male........Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n
Female......A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male.........Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.v.
Female.....A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male........Anything that can be done while drinking, and ends with sex.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.....An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male........A source of entertainment, self-statement male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king- luv) n.
Female.....The greatest statement of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male........Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht- kon-trohl) n.
Female......A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male.........A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 5 minutes.
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