Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Women over 50 Dating


DATING TIPS FOR WOMEN OVER 50“A Pep Talk for Single Women Over 50 Who are Looking,”
by Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach

There are 97 million Americans over the age of 45, and of those, 40%, or 36.2 million, are single. If you’re over 50 and looking, I have some good news. Like a good coach, I’m going to pump you up!

The ratio of females to males increases with each decade, but does it really matter? No, for two reasons. First, all it takes is one, and a 100% hit is a 100% hit. Secondly, think back to when you were dating in college. How many of those boys would you consider potential for dating? If you’re like me, not one in 50. If you’re dating just to date a warm body, that’s no problem. For serious dating, I’ve always been discriminating, haven’t you? It’s always been “hard” to find the right material, so it’s the same game, just played on a new field.

Emotional intelligence generally increases with age; this is about “life skills.” Older people are better at dating, as they are at just about everything except a few non-consequential motor skills. From experience, maturity, and common sense, sometimes innate, sometimes acquired through the School of Hard Knocks, we interpret reality quickly and correctly. We know how to look in the horse’s mouth.

Likewise, we can maneuver in the social world. We don’t fumble for topics of conversation, faint at the thought of a formal dinner, wonder how to behave at an opera, or think planning a vacation is “hard.” We don’t fall apart when our hose run, and we operate from a deeply centered standpoint, not chasing about the fickle and changing opinions of others. We answer to ourselves. We have lifeskills, aplomb, sophistication, and experience!

We aren’t run by hormones, which is how many mistakes are made, and the good news, the guys aren’t either. According to Trish McDermott, at Match.com, the largest dating site, “The one thing that our research continually shows is that the older a person gets, the more he or she becomes a practical dater, as opposed to being emotionally driven.” This gives both sexes a better chance at a wise choice.

Men in our age range have had a chance to learn what matters, and what makes or breaks a marriage. As one of my clients says, their former wife has trained them in some important areas, as has life, and in some cases, divorce; or they have used poor judgment, married someone unsuitable, and learned the hard way. There’s nothing like being able to eliminate immediately things, people and relationships that don’t work for you and when men can do this, it saves us all time.

Men have explored the sex thing ad nauseum and tend to focus on the bigger picture. One of my male clients told me recently, about a woman he’d been dating, “We’d only get along in bed, where it’s fantastic, but we’d be fighting the rest of the time.” He decided to pass on that one.

Men like to date younger women, but the smart ones, only once or twice. After that, they learn. The odds of a marriage working where the man is 10 or more years older are small, and remember the “practical” thing. We’re all too smart after a certain age to play with a deck stacked against us.

Corollary: there’s a growing interest in men for dating older women. Why? Hey, this is an article for women over 50 and we KNOW why. The hysteria and attitude of women in their 20s and 30s is not appealing. If not fighting outside the bed, it’s banality, histrionics, and the fantasies of the naïve and uninformed.

We don’t ask “Does this make my butt look fat?” or any other fatuous, passive-aggressive, whiny, dependent, obsessed, annoying questions. We’re more likely to ask where the Dow Jones is, or “How do you think Prescott should respond to the allegations of bullying in his office?”

We don’t wake him up in the middle of the night before his big sales meeting, sniveling, “Would you marry someone else if I died?”

Ask any man over the age of 40, and he’ll say he wants “a companion.” For a marriage partner, according to the AARP, people over 50 say “personality” matters the most. Marriage ends up being that 6-hour drive to the kids’ house, and he doesn’t want to listen to a ninny talking about the latest sale at the Gap or what a horrible boss she has, or how unfair her life is. It’s also about the logistics of a well-run life, and he doesn’t want someone who sits on the floor and sobs when the washing machine overflows.

We can handle our emotions. We enjoy them, but aren’t driven by them. We can also modulate them. And we are capable of silence for extended periods of time. We are also unlikely to do the thing men dread them most: make them the sole determination of our happiness. (You will see this repeatedly on Internet profiles.)

Now here are some of the latest stats from the AARP. Nearly half the people 40-69 didn’t have a first-date last year. Statistically, of people in their 50s, 15.4% are divorced, 6.25 have never been married, and 4.4% are widowed. This matters because men who remain embittered and terrified of involvement after a divorce, aren’t datable and should be required to wear warning signs of their backs.

Should this discourage you? No. If you’re a winner, if you have your act together, if you aren’t dragging the past around on your own back, there is someone out there looking for you just as hard as you are for them.
Where to look? Start with places you normally go (opera, theater, museums, SCUBA, hiking) just amp it up. Churches with large memberships are also a good choice. Just be awake when you’re there. Internet dating sites also score high. About half the people over 55 believe it’s possible to meet via the internet and fall I love. It happened to me. I know it’s possible. Match.com has 1.5 million members over the age of 50, the fastest-growing group, with a 65% increase last year.
There are sites that sort by any variable you could care about – religion, age, interests, location. Of special interest is http://www.rightstuffdating.com/v_schools.cfm for those who went to pretigious schools. My alma mater made the cut, maybe yours did too.
Good marriages are between equals. Except in fairytales, successful marriage are between people with similar backgrounds and histories. This means, if you aren’t where you want to be, get busy. Get some coaching, get back in shape and have a makeover, take a good nutraceutical and supplement, and enrich the biggest sex organ – your brain. When you fall in love with learning, you never have a broken heart. You also make your heart and mind a lot more attractive to other people.
Dating over 50 is a competitive game. It requires fitness, skills, and a good coach. Even Tyger Woods can improve his swing with the right coach. Your coach can give you a game plan, workable rules, shorten your learning curve, improve your skills, give perspective and increase your stamina and resilience.
When you’ve heard as many stories as I have, you can see the trends and the ins and outs; also the successes. There truly is a lid for every pot. I could mention movies or books, but I’ll go back to the oldest form of enjoyment, opera. It’s been around hundreds of years, for a reason. Go see Mozart’s “Die Zauberflote,” (The Magic Flute). For every Papageno there’s a Papagena, for every Tamino, a Pamina. It is so sweet the way that works. It’s a game you can win, with a good coach.
So, have good cheer, and good luck!

©Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc, mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc. Susan offers coaching, Internet courses, a blog for singles, ezines, Arbonne nutraceuticals and safe cosmetics, and ebooks for your relationship and professional success. She trains and certifies Wellness and EQ coaches all over the world, and is the founder of Club Vivo Per Lei/I Live for Music. She is the author of “Midlife Dating Survival Manual for Women” and The Rules, a simple and effective system for intelligent midlife dating.
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12 comments:

Anonymous said...

Ok...Ive been told im beautiful, smart, witty, sporty...mistaken for 40 when Im 50... a divorced woman no matter how wonderful she looks...is dead in the water!
been here and wore the "T" shirt for 3 years... lots of married men and much younger men just wanting to try the "experience!"
very, very discouraged....
cant say I have ever met any man that wants to date me..the same age..
Men of 50 command money and power that equals youth 30... so much for your power Talk..

Susan Dunn, M.A. said...

Let me coach you and you will get results!

Anonymous said...

We have no one to blame but ourselves for our unhappiness. If only we got up every morning and decided to be happy and loving and full of grace. Easy to say, however it takes loosing everything you have to realize the quality of your life depends on the choices that we make. Now over fifty and divorced with an x that is with someone twenty years his younger I realize all the arguments and name calling and manipulation took two people to do. It was not only me who was not happy. Life s not a romance novel if there is no tenderness or communication then do something about it in a positive way.
I thought taking myself back to school and educating myself was the answer but it is only a stepping stone with a roaring river between the slippery stones.
It is very freeing to let go of the past and focus on who you are and what you were put on this earth to do and it takes time for your mind to heal.
Ask yourself why is it that society today still shuns divorced women over the age of fifty? Married women are jealous of our freedom and men fear us for our independent free spirit. It is not that men are not attracted to us; it is that we are not really interested in being tied down and taking a back seat in a relationship again. Be truthful women! what is it that you want?
Take a positive action to your life. Fill your life with good friends and challenging tasks. Take pride in yourself and walk with your head up remember you are strong and your capable of great things.
Finding a good relationship is just as difficult for younger women!
Male insecurity causes them to seek younger women who do not challenge them. Who feed their male egos. Who are willing to take a back seat for security and trinkets. Give yourself a break and be thankful you have your freedom.

Dating said...

I thought taking myself back to school and educating myself was the answer but it is only a stepping stone with a roaring river between the slippery stones.

Unknown said...

Excellent tips had been shared over here. I believe this would be helpful for women for the senior dating.

Anonymous said...

Older people have more experience in life, I would not think of dating a younger woman now, I have done this in the past and it did not feel right. Why do younger women or men want a older partner (Money). For the long haul dating someone around the same age group.

The Relationship Company said...

I have gone through the article really its nice its shows how important is to save our relationship. Keep posting great work.

Anonymous said...

I'm almost 45 and I've just began dating a woman that's almost 49.She's been divorced for 10 years, I,just one.I dated others and had a brief fling a few months back to get it out of my system.
So far this woman is wonderful.We both look about our respective ages.We are attracted to each other and have good chemistry.Its the other things that really make me like her.We can talk about virtually anything together,we laugh alot,she cooks dinner and brings it over,we dance and go out sometimes,other times stay in.We both are very affectionate towards each other and really enjoy being with one another.The 4 or 5 year difference in age isn't that drastic to me.We both are from the same generation and share many of the same memories.My first "date" after my divorce was nothing but sex.This seems to have much more depth and genuine feelings.Although neither of us wants to get married or move in together.
I should have tried an "older" woman years ago.They really have so much to offer that younger women don't.

african woman said...

It's indeed a great opportunity for the older women to have a chance to date someone even younger than them.

Well, older people have more experienced than younger ones so they can make it and I guess they be happier if they really meet their man even of their age now.

Unknown said...

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DatingChatBuff said...

I think in today's world, being single at any age is not that big a problem with the availability of dating sites for all ages - MeetOutside.com , this means that a companion is always around the corner. This site is even free so that chances get increased.

Anonymous said...

I do agree with you. Young women are only interested in money and they like cheating if a man is twice their age.